Like everyone else, I simply delete all spam in my inbox, be it poorly translated Viagra ads, e-mails labeled “CONFIDENTIAL INVESTMENT PROPOSAL,” or “Free Oxycotton with purchase of trip to Krakow” (unless there’s a discount!!!). Normally these spam e-mails are filtered to my spam folder, but a few weeks back I received a spam e-mail so epic, so incoherent, that it bypassed my spam filter and reached my main inbox. This by far is one of the best spam e-mails I’ve ever read, if not one of the best e-mails I’ve ever received. Here is the exceptional, modern novella “Herve Leger’s Bandages Get Bustled” in its entirety!
Subject: Herve Leger’s Bandages Get Bustled
“NJ dad pleads not guilty in baby’s bridge death News rater, anti-Palin group get govt Gulf work For at the foot of the Mount Sion is a fair castle and a strong that the soldan let make.In the Mount Sion were buried King David and King Solomon, and many other kings, Jews of Jerusalem. And there is the place where the Jews would have cast up the body of our Lady when the apostles bare the body to be buried in the vale of Jehosaphat. And there is the place where Saint Peter wept full tenderly after that he had forsaken our Lord. And a stones cast from that chapel is another chapel, where our Lord was judged, for that time was there Caiaphass house. From that chapel, to go toward the east, at seven score paces, is a deep cave under the rock, that is clept the Galilee of our Lord, where Saint Peter hid him when he had forsaken our Lord. ITEM, between the Mount Sion and the Temple of Solomon is the place where our Lord raised the maiden in her fathers house. Under the Mount Sion, toward the vale of Jehosaphat, is a well that is clept NATATORIUM SILOE. The thirst-driven Lackaday plucked up courage, and strode to a deserted wooden table.He ordered beer. It was brought. He sipped luxuriously. One tells ones thirst to be patient, when one has to think of ones sous. He was half-way through when two girls, young and flushed from dancing together, flung themselves down on the opposite bench–the table between. One of them with a quick gesture took up from the table a forgotten newspaper and began to fan herself and her companion, to the accompaniment of giggling and chatter about the heat. They were very young. They ordered grenadine syrup and eau-de-seltz. Andrew Lackaday stared dismally beyond them, at the dancers. In the happy, perspiring girls in front of him he took no interest, for all their youth and comeliness and obviously frank approachability. He saw nothing but the fury-enflamed face of Coincon and heard nothing but the rasping voice telling him that it was cheaper to pay him his weeks salary than to allow him to appear again. And _f—- moi le camp! It dealt with a very singular fact concerning the manners of one of the hymenoptera, a wasp, a Cerceris, in whose nest Dufour had found small coleoptera of the genus Buprestis, which, under all the appearances of death, retained intact for an incredible time their sumptuous costume, gleaming with gold, copper, and emerald, while the tissues remained perfectly fresh. In a word, the victims of Cerceris, far from being desiccated or putrefied, were found in a state of integrity which was altogether paradoxical. Fabre, his curiosity and interest aroused, wished to observe the facts for himself; and, to his great surprise, he discovered how incomplete and insufficiently verified were the observations of the man who was at that time known as the patriarch of entomologists.”
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